Last night I was having a discussion over private vs public schools, a perennial issue in Australia, especially since the federal government handsomely supports private schools. I repeated my line that anyone who has gone to a private school should be lined up against a wall, shot and buried in a mass grave. Why? This is where the thick rich send their kids, where they meet future business partners, political allies and opponents – in short, where the ruling class reproduces itself.

But then it hit me: actually, I’m a softy at heart, so what to do? Why not send the bourgeoisie to a place where they can be useful and where their power is smashed? Does Australia have its own Siberia?

Yes, it does: about a third of Antarctica!

This would solve a host of problems, of which I list but a few:

1. A pile of government money spent on private schools could be spent more fruitfully.

2. The vast assets of the bourgeoisie would also become available for more useful pursuits.

3. Australia’s claims to Antarctica would be reinforced, since some countries don’t recognise those claims. With a permanent population in Antarctica, they would bugger off.

4. The stupid debate over asylum seekers would disappear. At present, the two factions of the pro-capitalist party (Labor and Liberal-National) try to outdo each other over ‘offshore processing’ – anywhere but Australia for assessing claims for asylum. I would suggest that the whole debate is symptomatic, for what the politicians are really saying is that they are afraid that people are so pissed off with them that they themselves will be processed offshore. So let’s do it: send all the pollies off to Antarctica and welcome asylum seekers, since there’s plenty of room for them. If some turn out to be bourgie, off to Antarctica!

5. It’s quite a generous proposal, since Antarctica is a pretty nice place … sometimes:

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