Ever wondered why Lance Armstrong called his Tour de France team the ‘US Postal Service’? As many of you know, this peerless doper constructed the US Postal Service as his own tool for winning yet more Tour victories. They helped him secure up to his seventh ‘win’. But the USPS was one of the most sophisticated sports doping organisations yet seen, all based on evading detection and passing clean urine samples. But why ‘US Postal Service’?

It was obviously modelled on the Persian Postal Service. Why? The horses of this postal service – aka, secret police network – were known for their speed and endurance. And they attained that prowess through the consumption of significant amounts of beer and wine, as the Persepolis Tablets make clear. In other words, these equids thundering along the Persian roads were doped to eyeballs. Just like our Lance really.